Thursday, October 14, 2010

These days

These days, I am an emotional wreck. I'm not sure what is going on with me-but all of these tears- they're doing a number on me. I am tellin' ya--it isn't taking much to provoke me to waterworks lately. I'm really not even that much of a "crier". I mean, I do cry- once in awhile- but it's usually over something really big, & once I have a big pow wow, it's all over & I feel better. But these tears- the ones I am having lately- they just keep coming. Funny thing is, I'm not even sad--not one bit.

It all started on Monday when we took our little jaunt to Children's Mercy- I'm pretty sure that's what triggered it all.

Then on Tuesday, Jared & Jett were playing in the living room while I was getting dinner ready & in the background (on Nick Jr), I heard a song playing. It was a song about family- about how families love eachother, take care of eachother, & how each family is special & unique. Before I knew it, I was fighting back tears. Over a Nick Jr. song? Geesh!

Wednesday evening after Jett had gone to sleep, I caught up on some of the blogs I like to follow. I absolutely love reading about other moms, their lives, all their day to day stuff . Once in awhile, I will stumble upon a blog I've never read before--usually I scope it out, & find out that it's a nice blog, but nothing that really captivates me. Well, last night I stumbled upon a blog that captivated me. It did more than that. It shook me to the core. It was a mother's journey- some of her journey absolutely heartwrenching; some of it totally exhilerating. This blogger is a brilliant writer, & she honestly had me feeling every emotion she had felt. I sat in my chair, behind my laptop, sobbing my eyes out. Still today, I can't get her story out of my head, & if I sit too long thinking about it- you guessed it. More tears.

After closing up my computer, Jared & I tiptoed into Jett's room {like we do every night} just to get one last look at our baby for the day. I honestly could stand there all night staring at him, but usually after a few minutes, Jared tugs at me to come on to bed. I love standing over his crib, seeing him lay there so peaceful, watching his chest move up & down, seeing his lips puckered up so sweet. He is usually laying one of two ways- all sprawled out- arms stretched out to the sides with his legs bent like little froggy legs, OR laying on his side, curled up, clutching his little blankie. He usually has kicked all of his blankets off, so this is the time that I tuck him back in, & we blow goodnite kisses to him. But last night, after I tucked him all in- I took one more look at him & before I knew it, I had lost it. All of a sudden, hot tears were running down my face. They struck out of nowhere, & while I usually am pretty good at fighting back tears, these ones couldn't be held back. The floodgates were officially open! Jared simply put his arms around me -never questioning what was the matter, or why I was upset. He just let me have a moment to cry my heart out there in Jett's nursery. As I stood there, allowing myself to really "feel" the feelings that were rushing through me, I realized the reason for all of these tears lately. It's because these days are going by too fast. These days are slipping away-right through my hands. These days will be gone before I know it- in a blink of an eye. These days that I get to stand over my baby's crib, watching him sleep are numbered- they are dwindling. These days where I play peek-a-boo & pat-a-cake will all soon be a memory- a thing in our past. These days that I hear "mamamamama" a thousand times a day will all too soon be replaced with "mom"- & my little boy will be a big boy. These days are fading, & even though I am trying to grip them as tight as I possibly can- they are much like my tears- they cannot be stopped.

Time doesn't stand still. It just keeps on going. And I'm grieving that right now. Don't get me wrong- I'm excited about the future too- I know there are so many memories to be made, so many laughs to be had, so many milestones to be accomplished. But for right now-in this moment, I'm just a little sad.

For it is these days- that are the best days of my life.

No comments:

Post a Comment