Real

In more ways than I can count, this pregnancy just hasn't quite felt real to me. I don't know if it's because this is my second go at this thing & that's just how it is the second time around. I don't know if it's because this time I'm busy tending to an energetic toddler rather than spending hours upon hours daydreaming my time away about pregnancy, future, & what if's. Perhaps it's possibly because I haven't felt like a human being for what feels like forever now, & the only thing that steals my focus is wondering how long I have before I make a mad dash to hang my head over a toilet.  I'm not quite sure what it is & I can't really put my finger on one single reason, but in my heart, this pregnancy has just felt different.

Until this past Tuesday, anyways.

I had my scheduled ten week O.B. appointment Tuesday morning, where Jared met up with Jett & I at the doctor's office {Jared refuses to miss a single appointment--even the quick ones where nothing exciting happens. I love him}. Together, the three of us marched in, fingers crossed that today would be the day we would hear that rapid, little heartbeat pounding away. The true sign that life is really happening in there.

No such luck. Turns out, ten weeks is still a tad early to detect our baby's heartbeat on a fetal doppler monitor. Boo. With each passing moment that my doctor searched for that thumping rythm & came up short, I laid there feeling my eager & excited spirits slowly dwindling & deflating. Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I heard a beautiful music to my ears! A heartbeat? Nope, even better. My doctor announced, "Well then, we'll just have to go take a peek!" 

We all huddled into the dimly lit ultrasound room, & I found myself holding my breath as that screen on the wall lit up & the ultrasound wand glided across my belly. Out of the big dark blot of uterus & bladder & whatever else is in there, there appeared a white, glowing, tiny, little baby. Not a cluster of cells anymore, not something that resembles a tadpole anymore, but a baby. We peered closer, necks stretched as far as they would reach & gazed at the softest little flicker in the middle of that baby's chest, just beating away. I finally stopped holding my breath & exchanged it instead, for squeals, laughter, & sighs of relief. From then on, my eyes never once diverted from the screen that was showcasing my new, little baby to me.  We saw a sweet, teeny face, short, little arms with fists doubled at the ends of them, & even an itty bitty jump & wiggle. Tears filled my eyes when in just a flash of a moment, my whole world shifted & this pregnancy that had just minutes before felt so different, quickly transformed into something extremely real.

I walked out of that appointment with a completely different view on this pregnancy. My all day nausea that has seemed so very daunting these past ten weeks, well it seems a little more do-able now. The little aches, pains, & strange things happening within my body, it all seems to have purpose now. My days seem a little bit brighter, I'm feeling a little cheerier, & I have an excitement that there for a time, I had questioned whether or not would ever settle in. 

It's not just about being pregnant anymore. It's about so much more than that now. It's about a life inside of me, a beautiful soul within me, a baby that will come into my life, into my home, into my heart & will change the very core of who I am. I know this because it's already happened to me once in my life.

Everything about this pregnancy has been different. I know this baby will come into this world & be one of a kind, not like any other, but different. I know that once I hold my second child, snuggled against chest, that I too, will be different.  I know that having two children that fill up my arms & my life will make my whole world completely different.

And for me, it just doesn't get any more real than that.