On one side, it's bubbling & fizzing with excitement, eager to turn the page on the next chapter of our lives, anxious to bloom into a family of four, dying to know the little bean that wiggles within me. I know in the depths of my soul that our little girl is going to change life forever--make it fuller, richer, more meaningful. I know that very soon, I will look back at the path behind me & wonder how in the world our lives ever moved about without our sweet daughter in the midst of it. I can't wait to know her, to learn her every feature, feel her tight fisted grasp around my pinky finger, watch her lungs fill with air as she sweeps into this world & her first breaths are taken. I have dreamt every single detail over & over again in my mind & as the day draws closer & closer, I find my patience dwindling quickly. I cannot wait to meet our girl.
And then there's the other side. The one that stands here taking a long, hard look at my beautiful little family of three. The family we have fought hard to establish & the one we have nestled & flourished into so perfectly. We have found our groove, carved our way & grown into a family that I am blessed & thankful for more & more with each passing day--one I am so very proud of. And as much as I desire to whip open my arms & embrace the new, the beginnings, the unknown that I know will bring joys that my heart can't even begin to fathom, I also find myself in a state of grief. I find myself mourning the fact that in just a matter of days, this little family of three that has become my heart's home, won't quite look the same as it used to.
I've decided to go ahead & let my heart work this one out on it's own--'cause I know that eventually, it will. For the time being, I'm letting this heart of mine clutch, with white knuckles, all the little moments that are at hand:
The mid morning playdates, just me & my boy, where he begs me to join him in his swingset fort, not having any clue how much work it is to get my big, pregnant self up that ladder & plopped into "Jett's house"---these moments are worth every bit of huff & puff it takes to spend that sweet, sweet time with him.
Our afternoon snuggles, where we sink into our comfy living room chair after waking from an afternoon snooze, & get lost in a stack of books & a bowl of goldfish--I am treasuring the time, memorizing the feeling it is to be a mommy to only one little boy.
The evening hours, spent outdoors until the sky starts to grow dark & that very first star is pointed out by Jett, where it's just the three of us, watching our energetic boy gallop & hop, skip & run--I am clinging to these nights, where he still looks little for just a while longer.
The quiet hours, after bathtime & bedtime & kisses & tucking in, when it's just me & my husband. Sharing thoughts, exploring fears, laughing til our bellies hurt, connecting in ways that are much needed before we fling open the cabin door of that airplane & launch ourselves into the unknown--I am finding so much comfort in these moments, peace in the strength of our marriage.
For right now, my heart is home. It is with my little family of three, soaking & sopping up every drip of life we have at our fingertips at this given moment. My heart needs to savor. It needs to cling. It needs to hold on.
But in less than a week, my heart will take up residence in a new home. It will let go. It will surrender the fight of holding onto what was, & it will stretch forth it's arms as wide as they can go & bear hug the crap out of what will be. It will embrace. Because it knows. It knows that by letting go, nothing will truly be lost, but so very much will be gained. We will move ahead, find our groove, carve our way, bloom, nestle, & flourish-- this time as a family of four.
And when that takes place, when this heart of mine figures things out & lays to rest the little standoff it seems to be having with itself...
it will find that new homes can actually be a lot of fun.
Reading Hop On Pop--a new favorite at our house.
Here's to looking forward. Here's to embracing. Here's to new beginnings. Here's to untravelled journeys.
Here's to my heart's new home.
Holly, this is so beautifully written! I can't imagine what you must be feeling! Praying for you and the doctors and nurses who will be working with you.ReplyDelete
I went through these exact emotions when I was pregnant with Evie. The moment I held her everything changed. I can't wait for you to experience it for yourself.ReplyDelete
This was a beautiful post! I struggle with the same thoughts of having more children, but I'm sure your heart just knows what to do as each one enters the world. What an exciting time for you right now!!ReplyDelete
Oh, you are going to love your new home! I know the unknown can be so scary. But believe me, your heart will expand beyond measure when she arrives. You won't even know what hit you!ReplyDelete
Just found your blog through Kelly's Korner link up for expecting moms! I'm due on the 28th with our first, a BOY! :)ReplyDelete