Friday, August 3, 2012

Detour Ahead

Often times, when I sit down in this chair, laptop glowing, happenings of our home pulled up in front of me & a blank page with a cursor blinking at me, I pretty much know the direction my post for the day is going to take. I have a topic all mapped out in my head, complete with photos to weave throughout it & I blog to my heart's content on topics such as potty training progress & weekend wrap ups. I keep a short list on my iphone of happenings I want to be sure & write about so that those fleeting moments don't ever get too far from me & eventually slip through the holes of my memory. Those posts are the newborn days of my sweet baby girl, they're the funny sayings of my growing toddler boy--they're the big & little moments alike, that make up who we are as a family. Those pre planned posts of mine are sacred & their price becomes more & more valuable as the days tick away.

But sometimes, there are posts that I sit down to write, having a topic of some sort in mind, & it's just after I hit the preview button that I realize my mind must have needed to take a detour, to travel off the beaten path, to trail-blaze a route of it's own. It's those posts that always seem to lift weight from my shoulders, patch up holes in my heart & bring attention to the things that are brewing underneath the surface in my life. Those posts are my heart revealed, they're the real & raw, they're ones that send a zing of fear through me the second I hit Publish. Those unplanned posts of mine are necessary. They birth growth. They force self reflection.

To be honest, what I'd really like to do right now is to tell you all about our latest happenings. I'd like to whip up a quick pre-planned post, insert a couple photos of some really adorable kiddos, hit Publish & call it a day. I'd love to tell you about Jett & his potty training--how he's rocked the socks off it & completely mastered it--even the pooping part. I'd like to tell you what a little sweetie our Lulla girl is--how she's been sleeping all the way through the night--sometimes til eight o' clock in the morning!  I'd love nothing more than to tell you about the exciting possibility of our little family relocating to a new home here soon--a home that will put us in a town that is located smack dab in the middle of both our families.

But lately, every time I come here to this place of mine, this place where I unleash all the thoughts bouncing around in my head, it's not the above happenings that rise to the top. It's not potty training & sleeping newborns that have my full attention at the moment. Those aren't the happenings making their way to the forefront of my brain.

So muddled mind is going to jump on a path less travelled & it's going to have its way. I give in. Because until I write about what's really on my mind, it won't clear up & leave space for the happenings I so wish to get caught up on...

Detour ahead.

Tonight as I stood underneath a much needed hot shower {let's just say--it was a snot flingin', baby pukin' kind of day}, I felt a sudden yank in my stomach. I'm actually beginning to get used to the knot that has taken up permanent residence within my gut.  For the past two weeks, I've slowly mastered how to live life with it there. I've managed to accept the pain in holds within it. I've figured out how to continue on with everyday life, not allowing it to consume me. But even still, the knot remains all balled up inside of me, a constant reminder that life is throwing a curve ball in our direction. And every once in awhile, something comes along--sometimes a thought, sometimes a what if, other times a cold hard stare with reality & that knot tightens as if two forces on opposite ends are pulling with all their might in an attempt to rip out my insides. Tears follow. Then every emotion under the sun surfaces & I find myself sorting through the rubble of fear & anxiety. Rinse & repeat.

Two weeks ago today, we found out my mom has cancer.

Please, if you know my mom, don't go running up to her hugging her & telling her how sorry you are. She has found a strength inside of her & has taken on a great attitude about confronting this thing & she's going to be mad enough at me for posting a blog about it. Don't shower her with sympathy--she may haul off & take a swing at you! I'm just teasing about her decking you. But seriously, if you must say something-- simply cheer her on. {Okay Mom, now you can't be mad at me!}

I'm not going to get into all of the details right now. I don't have the energy. I have spent it all up in a subconscious attempt of trying to control this situation. I've called up doctors, I've scheduled Oncology appointments, I've researched Cancer Institutes, I've faxed pathology reports, I've googled words I don't understand & I've kept myself busy, busy, busy thinking if I stand up & take charge, that surely, somehow all of my efforts will sway the outcome.

Ridiculous, I know.

Truth is, many of you have faced the C word dead on & you know as well as I do that there isn't an ounce of control that is held in the tight grip of my hands. I can run myself ragged--& I will--in an attempt to make sure my mom is cared for in the very best way--but at the end of the day, I won't do it anymore with the irrational thinking that I am the master of this plan. Instead, I will surrender. I will know that the only one who holds the reigns in this life, in this particular situation, is an all sovereign God. He has a perfect plan & though I may never understand it, He has His reasons.

The only thing I am able do at this point is to ask you to join me & my family in our journey. I ask for your prayers. I ask for your experiences. I ask for your own personal stories. Our family is stepping out into uncharted territory & if I've learned anything about trials & tribulation in life, it's that we aren't meant to bear them on our own. I've learned that we have a better chance of healing when we have a cheering section, when we have an encouraging word, when we feel like we aren't facing our giants alone.

Today my mom & I were texting back & forth about my obvious inability to embrace change & something she said to me really stuck...

"Just imagine trying to swim up a river instead of simply going downstream with it. The ride is much easier when you go with the current instead of against it. Resistance only causes exhaustion. Acceptance offers peace."

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball, sometimes it takes us on a detour, sometimes it rushes us down a fast flowing river. We may not have the ability to control the situation or even the outcome, but we can accept that detours are a necessary part of this life. We can accept that sometimes those detours bring forth healing, sometimes they birth growth, sometimes they bring to the surface the things that are really important in this life. Sometimes they offer peace.

We are marching ahead on this detour together as a family. We will pray. We will fight. We will encourage. We will hold one another up when one of us falls.

I welcome you to join us.


  1. Oh my Holly I am so sorry for this awful news!! I pray your mom will be okay and have great doctors looking over her!! I know she loves you and those precious babies of yours so much!! It made my heartache to read that she has that awful "c" word!! My mom had it, my moms sister has had it a few times on different parts of her body and my mother n law had it. They are all doing great now!! Hugs to all of you!!

  2. Holly I will be praying for your family. Your mom is a strong lady and she gave you some pretty good advice. If there is one thing I remember best about my dad it was that he gave me greatest Advice when things didn't seem to make much sence....Remember to smile and enjoy each and every moment you have with each other....God will take care of you!!!!

  3. Thinking of and praying for you and your family!!! Also praying for the doctors and nurses and everyone else involved in her beating this!!

  4. Holly- prayers are going up for you and for your mom. I know it has to be so hard when your heart is torn by all the great things going on in your life, then you have sad things happening too. I pray God wraps you in His arms, and that you feel His love carry you through this time. Know that I will be thinking and praying for you!!