Monday, July 22, 2013

Today, I Feel Like Writing

Today I feel like writing. And that makes me excited. Because for a good four months {longer, if I'm being completely honest}, I haven't felt like even pulling this screen up on my computer.  I'm not entirely sure how to breathe new life back into  happenings of our home, but what I do know is that for today, I feel like writing.

It's been a season of heaviness. If you've followed this blog for very long, or know me personally, you know that me & change--we don't make the cutest couple that ever walked into the room.

And the past seven months? Whew, it's been nothing but a whirlwind of change. Mounds upon mounds of big, heaping, piles of change.

I tried to stay positive about our big move to this town, to this house--I tried to focus on the bigger space we'd have to spread out, the much closer distance we'd be to both sides of our family, the small town, the big adventures. I tried to remain thankful & grateful for the new home & new opportunities I'd been given. I tried & tried & tried. But when it came down to it, the cold hard truth of it all is that I found myself sitting across from my husband in a booth at On The Border, tears flowing from my eyes, admitting, "I'm struggling. I haven't gone a day without crying. I just want to be "home". I've always been the type to over analyze & second guess & drive my own self nuts going round & round in my head.  I mean it when I say I must have questioned a zillion times if the move we made seven months ago was the right one or not.

There were times I wanted to come here to this blog & tell you things I had no business in telling you. I wanted to spill my guts. I mean, really bare it all. I wanted to unleash & fire off & go on a rampage. I wanted to show my aching heart & the hurt that was overflowing from it. Sometimes I wanted to sling mud. Sometimes I simply wanted my side of the story to be heard. Sometimes I wanted to admit that losing friends--whether it be from a dirty rotten cancer or a series of unfortunate events, it hurts immensely.

But when the time came, the thought of sitting down & sharing even of a sliver of my life--even the simple crafts I'd done with Jett & Lulla or the playdate we'd just had with friends, it made me shudder. The urge to write, it had practically evaporated before my eyes.

I'm a processor. It takes me a great deal of time to settle in to unfamiliarity. It takes a great deal of time for my heart to heal over once holes have been blown straight through the middle of it. It takes time for me to feel like "me" again when my world looks nothing like I pictured it to look. And in those moments, it's good for me to take inventory & simply be still.

This blog of mine has never been intended to be a place of heaviness & I am glad I didn't turn it into a dumping ground just for the simple sake of keeping it alive.  I love coming here to share my life & the day ins & day outs of being a momma & wife to the loves I have been given.  I enjoy the opportunity to be real & sometimes raw & share the truths of my heart here in this place. Sometimes sharing my hurts & struggles are exactly what I need to do & I feel completely led to do so. And other times, it is completely necessary to take a few months off to be quiet.

I'm so thankful that today I woke up & I felt the yearning to write again. I am thrilled to say that we are having an absolutely amazing summer & are looking so forward to some very exciting things ahead of us. I am in a lighter, much less heavy place & I finally feel like sharing it all here at happenings of our home. 

An up to speed post coming soon to a blog near you. ;)

**I would like to say a big fat apology to my faithful readers. Some of you have expressed great concern during this dry spell of blogging & I can't tell you how much it has meant that you actually cared for me--for my family--for this little blog space of mine. Please know how much it has meant to my heart & how appreciative I am for your understanding.**

11 comments:

  1. Holly!
    So glad you are back. I check your space frequently and have noticed your absence over the months, but didn't know if I should say something on FB about it--guess I should have! Love the blog. Anything you write about, happy, sad, or angry I always sympathize with!!
    Hugs!
    Cinnamon

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  2. I'm so glad you're back! You have such a gift, Holly! Would love a catch-up in person sometime, but a blog post would suffice for now. :) Can't wait!

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  3. I have been thinking about you!

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  4. I'm thrilled you're back!!!! You have been missed so very much. You are an amazing writer. SO happy to hear from you (and next time I thought you could include some pics of those adorable kids of yours!).

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    1. Aw! Thank you so very much! That warms my heart!

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  5. Welcome back to Blogland! Prayers and warm wishes that you continue to feel at peace with your new surroundings and all that comes along with a move. Great new summer pics! Enjoy your sweet, precious family!!!!!!

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  6. I've been hoping things were ok with you! I hope things continue to get better and I'm glad your back

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    1. Thank you so much Catie! That means a lot!

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  7. I have been thinking about you! I hope that things continue to get better and I'm glad you're back!

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  8. Yeah Holly is back!

    I have been coming to your blog for a couple years (since my first born was a baby). I have a son Liam who will be 4 this February and also another 19 month old son. I have always enjoyed your blog posts about your family because I feel we have such similar lives and when I kept checking back to find a new update I was worried about you. I prayed that nothing was terribly wrong but now I am so pleased to see you are back and ready to write!

    XO,
    Katie

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    1. Aw, thank you Katie, for the warm welcome back! It means so much! Our little ones are so close in age--how fun! (I think I remember you commenting about your son Liam one time before! :)) I know what you mean, it is so comforting having kids the same age as someone else just to know you're not going it alone in this great big {sometimes scary} world of parenting!
      XO
      Holly

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